The Saga of the Irish Twins
from Denis Campbell
Some time ago, in an Emerald Isle port, there lived young Irish twins, both boys. Unfortunately they were born with afflictions.
One had but one ear, but boy was it a ripper, a giant.
The other, well, not problem with any ear, but he had only one eye. A beauty it was, bloody large, and right in the middle of the forehead.
Anyway, as they grew into their teens and sought to become socially active, there were inevitably problems. They would attend the local Young Catholic Workers dances, but were totally unsuccessful in attracting any young girl in the port – none would dance with either.
They became depressed with this lack of success, and decided to run away to sea. Therefore, one night they went down to the waterfront to see what was on offer. Leaning on the deck rail of an old tramp vessel was the ship’s captain and the first mate. “Begorrah” said the first mate “Look what we have here!” seeing the bloke with the giant ear and his one-eyed brother.
It should be said at this point that the ships’ complement was less than satisfactory number – wise; indeed, a press ganging exercise had yielded nil. They decided to take the twins on.
After being out to sea a few days it was time to allot specific duties to the twins.
“You with the eye – get up in the crow’s nest and keep an eye out for anything and report.
You with the ear – walk around the open deck and we will use the ear as a wind sail to conserve fuel.”
This endured for some time until one day there was a call from the crow’s nest “Chinese junk off the starboard bow!”
With this, the captain peered in that direction. Saw nothing.
“What is it?”
“Chinese junk off the starboard bow!”
Still nothing to be identified, so the captain used the ship’s telescope to scour the starboard horizon.
Nil.
“What is it again?”
“Chinese junk off the starboard bow!”
For a recent birthday, the captain had been given a new pair of expensive Ziess 10 x 50 binoculars. He used them. Eventually he came across the tiniest unidentifiable spec on the horizon.
“Say that again!”
“Chinese junk off the starboard bow!”
“Can you really see it?”
“Well sort of.”
“Then how do you know it is a Chinese junk?”
“Me brudder heard em talkin’”
Pirate Out of Work
from Denis Campbell
A bloke goes into a Cenrelink office and after waiting the “usual” amount of time gets to be called to the counter.
“How may I help you?”
“I want a job”
“A job, really? Most come in seeking the dole”.
“No - a job.”
“What skills do you have?”
“I’m a pirate.”
“Blimey, you look like a pirate – you have a patch where you have lost one eye, you have a wooden leg, and an artificial arm with a hook.”
“Yeh”.
“Tell me, how did you lose the leg?”
“Well, you would not want to know, I’m striding down the ship’s deck inspecting the cannons, when, unbeknown to me, one of the cannons was loaded, and off it went – the ball shattered my leg.
Anyway, undaunted, the ship’s carpenter got busy and fashioned this wooden leg for me.”
“What about the arm?”
Well, you would not want to know. I’m in the locker inspecting the ship’s armoury, when, again unbeknown to me, one of the pistols had a bullet up the spout. Bang! Shattered my arm.
Anyway, again undaunted, the ship’s carpenter got busy and made the artificial arm and hook.”
“What about the eye?”
“Well, I was on deck inspecting the rigging when a giant albatross flew over and shat – right in my eye. “
“That must have been painful?”
“It was.”
“But quite frankly, painful though it would have been, you would not lose an eye over it?”
“No, but it was the day after I got me hook!”
Divorce Letter
from Phil Lancaster
Dear Meg,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: “There's no one like you, Meg."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Erie House and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Meg? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Meg , I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Meg ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a girl and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Meg, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicki's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it
and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Meg. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Jimmy
Speeding Jewish Granny
from Denis Campbell
Contagious
from Phil Lancaster
Wanting to lead into a discussion of health issues and immunization, the teacher asked the class if anyone could tell her what “contagious” meant.
Now young Paddy wasn’t the brightest candle on the alter, but you couldn’t fault his enthusiasm and his hand shot up immediately.
“Well, Miss,” he said, “me Ma and Da was watchin’ through the window at de next door neighbor who was repaintin’ his house.
“An’ me Ma says, ‘Will ye look at dat. He’s usin’ a two inch brush.’
“An’ me Da says, ‘Jesus, Mary an’ Joseph. It’ll take the contagious.’
Holiday Complaints
from Denis Campbell
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE ... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!!!!
AND, …. they are all Poms!!
Tom Rooster
from Phil Lancaster
The family had an old pet rooster that the kids were very fond of. His name was Tom. But Tom was very old and passed away one night.
In the morning, young Billy was very upset when he saw old Tom lying dead in the back garden, on his back with his legs sticking straight up in the air.
“Why did old Tom have to die?” he asked his father.
“It was just his time, son. God wanted him to go up to heaven.”
“But why were his legs sticking straight up in the air?” persisted Billy.
Dad had an inspiration. “Why, son, that was so Jesus could swoop past, gather his spirit up by the legs and whisk him away to heaven.”
Much comforted, Billy went off to school.
Later that evening, everyone was gathered around the dinner table.
“Dad, we almost lost Mum today,” announced Billy.
“What do you mean, son?”
“Well, I got home early from school today and I could hear Mum moaning and groaning upstairs.
“So I went up to take a look and there was Mum on the bed, with both her legs straight up in the air.
“Just like old Tom’s
“And she was yelling ‘Jesus, I’m coming, I’m coming.’
“And if it hadn’t been for Uncle Harry holding her down, we’d have lost her for sure.”
Transistor Radio
from Phil Lancaster
